Thursday, December 22, 2011

Double Secret Meeting

Scene:  December 22, 2011.  Elite group of Republicans from the House of Representatives meet with the Speaker in a secure location.
Boehner:  (sigh)  This is like being in the 5th grade again.  BO-ner.  BO-ner.  BO-ner.  Kids can (suppressing a sob) be so cruel.
Elite male Republican One (an older, white, wealthy, slightly addled man from a Southern state):  I'll tell you what is cruel, Mr. Speaker.  It's cruel to prolong the suffering of the unemployed, son.  Bless their hearts.  Some people are meant to work, and some aren't.  Why give them hope?  Why prolong the agony?  They'll never get a job.  Most of them are too old. (Pause.)  Not that there's anything wrong with that.
(Polite giggles.)
Elite male Republican Two (a young, impossibly well-groomed man from a state that reveres cowboys):  Well, wisdom is what you get when you've been around as long as you have, sir.  You've seen the laziness that's turned our hallowed halls into a place to argue about, what?  Nutrition?  Thank God we managed to define pizza as a vegetable.  What are we, the nanny state?  What does that make us, the nannies?  Well, wipe your little noses, folks.  This is the U S of A, and you eat what you kill.  Take your assault rifles and shoot something for dinner.  (singing) Da-vey, Da-vey Crockett, king of the wild frontier. . .
Elite female Republican One (a brunette, with captivating eyes):  Congressman, ...
Elite male Republican One:  Shut up, Michelle.  Go run for President.
Boehner:  We gotta get back to business.  Who's for the two month extention?
Elite Republicans, together:  Booooooo.
Elite male Republican Two:  I miss Cain.
Boehner:  Don't say McCain around me.  Bastard.  Thinks he's SO big, Mr. Senator, Presidential loser, telling us what do.
Elite Republican:  Har-umph.  What, what, etc.
Elite male Republican Two:  I said Cain, not McCain.
Boehner:  Don't argue with me.  I'm the Speaker.  (gulp)  You're supposed to do what I say.  I'm your leader.  (Suppressing a sob).  You're mean.  I hate you guys.
Elite Republicans:  (together)  Aw, John.  No.  He didn't mean anything by that.

Two hours later.

Boehner:  So what are the poll numbers? 
Elite female Republican:  Obama's surging.  Newtie's crashing.  Mitt's in a cult.  Ron Paul is yammering on about something or other, and I can pray gay away.  With the help of my (uh) husband.
Elite Republicans:  (loud guffaws)
Boehner:  Okay, than it's settled.  We'll hide in here until Friday, go home for Christmas, and blame Obama.
Elite male Republican Two:  That'll make him a shoe-in.
Elite Republicans:  NEVER, NEVER say that out loud.  If the anybody finds out we're double agents, they'll vote us out of office.
Elite male Republican Two:  (contrite)  I know.  Hey, Michelle.  You forgot to mention.  We have a 9% approval rating, and they blame us for everything!
Elite Republicans:  (together)  Praise Baby Jesus!

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